Christina.

 Oooooohlife and the curve balls you throw.

It seems so many people around me have forgotten how to be human.
Im truly amazed at how much has changed within my groups of friends.

Those who say we live by loyality and trust are doing more damage to eachother as the days progress.
Those who live by love are questioning everything around them.

Its fucking madness.

I just wish everything would work out and/or go back to normal.

I miss the innocence.


_____in_other_news_______

I moved into my new place.
I now reside across from the Fireside.

The house is fabulous and my boy roommates are fun times.

_________________________

This all just still feels like a dream.
Im happy.
But still in a funk/daze.

The other day I was talking to some friends and this idea came out.
I mean, granted I thought about it 1st but honestly..not for long.
It was just an idea..and ask any one of my friends...I have plenty of those..then I get bored:)
But everything started unrolling VERY quickly and in the my positive way..this just seems to fit.

Its never been my 'passion' but truth be told I do enjoy dressing well.
I enjoy telling my friends my style/shopping 'secrets'.
I like having things that no one else has.
Being well dressed..classy..but comfortable.

Im always ahead of the trends and well, now you can be too b/c Im opening my own clothing store.

I have a plan.
I have investors.

Now lets hope I dont get bored in the next year.
(I dont see that happening thou..Ill be too busy to be bored)

Oh whats that...
you want to hear how my time with Ben went??

Nope.

Just know that it was fine, just not something I see myself in..not anymore.

As a woman, you always hear about 'the GRAND gesture'.
It is (for those who are unfamiliar)..something done/offered in order to reconcile.

The grand gesture is also the last resort.
....because you have no other way to say "Im sorry".

I have done the 'grand gesture' once in my life.
(I was the one saying sorry)

It was real.
It was private.
It was..epic.

Point is, I know what comes with the grand gesture.
And Im terrified. 

Ben is coming to visit me tomorrow.
For a week.
To talk.

HolyFuck.

 Day2- end ALL communication & delete from life

I have wanted to write for awhile now but havent felt 'okay' enough to do it.
I didnt feel like talking about the mess.
And boy haha was it a fucking mess.

Its almost funny how a situation can bum you out so hxc that you sink into seclusion.
I didnt even know I was able to feel that way.

It was the ultimate betrayal.

I made it out thou as I always do.
I have always taken comfort in the fact that you live thru everything and if you dont, you die.

Life is constantly evolving and sometimes people just grow apart.

Ben and I are done and honestly, its for the best.
(as much as it still hurts to say it)

I feel free.
I feel like my old self..only wiser..and more relaxed.

I regret nothing for Ben honestly taught me the real beauty in vulnerability.
He taught me things I will never forget & confirmed things I already knew.

Somedays are bad.
But Im learning to push thru.

Its lonely and I wasnt ready for anything like that but...
lesson learned.

My mother also decided to take a turn for the worst so yeah.

Life has been insanely hard but I have really awesome friends that have helped me thru.
They are understanding when I feel like the ugliest person in the world and dont answer my phone for days.
When I just cry.
They make me come outside when I hate life and dont hate me for being 4hrs late:)
They pick me up in the middle of the night and drive..wasting their gas till the sun comes up to help me forget.

They are the best and I love them more than any of them can possibly know.

Ive also started doing a podcast with Jaime again so that occupies me every Sunday.

Lifes on the up...and thats awesome.

 

Your gentleman caller,
well, he's been calling on another
he loves his forbidden fruit.
And as it dribbles down his chin
he cries, "Baby, I've been drinking with some friends! Now how 'bout a little kiss..."
Bad boy
Rub his nose in it
What a mess
and he's playing dumb


I'm not looking for a lover
all those lovers are liars...
I'd never lie to you
You say you want to get even?
Yeah, you want to get
your bad man good?
Well, are you in the mood?

You bad girl
Does it feel good being bad?
And getting worse?


But in the morning
on the sober dawn of Sunday
you're not sure what you have done
Who told you love was fleeting?
Sometimes men can be so misleading
to take what they need from you
Whatever you need to make you feel
like you've been the one behind the wheel
the sunrise is just over that hill
the worst is over
Whatever I said to make you think
that love's the religion of the weak
this morning we love like weaklings
the worst is over.

The worst is over.

Days like these are the reason Sundays became so lazy.
Its noon.
The weather is absolutely beautiful.
And Im sitting here...on my made bed...enjoying the breeze.
...ina dress:)

My apt is clean, which is a stepup from the norm and I seriously cannot think of anything to do other than chill.
I have been spending ALOT of qt with the friends lately and to be honest, I needed it.
I seriously stress so much in my sleep I wakeup w headaches.
Awfulness.

But yea, Des is on her way over.
Brian Blake and Jobot are coming thru later.
Fabi bought a bike.



This really could be the best weekend ever.
Strange how that works out.

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

 ever feel like you need to be rescued?

So for some reason I decided to make my '5yr plan' today.
It basically just consists of:
-saving 50g
(which really isnt that hard once you break it down month by month..I just will be working some bar job ontop of my current 117hrs every 2wks haha but nothing has happened in the last 5yrs that was worth putting off school so 'the friends & the boys' can wait)
-buying a 2bdrm
-going to hair school 
-being happy at a job
-going back to school (to be a detective)
-starting a business??

Of course travels, ect are involved but for real...nowhere in there does it say 'start a family'.
Weird.

Too independent for my own good....
It seems work and $$$ rule all.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of guy who can take down a girl, 
And lift her back up again
You are strong but you're needy, 
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language, 
And shotty cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective, 
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

I lied when I told you that I write everything down.
The truth is, I stopped writing years ago b/c sometimes, my life is too difficult to read back.

...And Im my own worst critic.

____________________

Im back.
SF was actually fabulous and I realized just how good of a friend Ben is of mine.
(if that makes sense)

The weather was awesome.
I saw Alcatraz.
(I seriously had to catch my breath it was so beautiful. I know Im gay but whatever..that place is so AWESOME)

Im planning a trip back soon to do touristy activities.

Oh, and we totally hit up an estate sale.
Hahaha you should have seen me w. a fox fur head band haha:)

Ben Phillips is seriously one of my favorite people<3
....and I totally made sure everyone out there knows just how awesome he is.
AND probably got sexy Joel laid.

I am a woman of all traits.

Hmmmm...what else???
I spent a normal person rent money on a leather jacket.
...then ripped the lining.
...then puked on it.
...and myself.

Yea.

Then my mother ruined my birthday, but whatever.
Im just going to pick a secret day that I celebrate my bday every year so no one knows when Im happy.
That way, it may not be so awful.

No Oklahoma City Bombings.
No hospitals.
No breakups.
No moms & day long travels.

Im tired of my birthday sucking.
ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY..it should be against the law to suck.
Seriously.

I did however get awesome presents, mix cds, texts, and hangs/work drop-bys.
OH and a cookie cake<3
(The 1st song on the mix cd was kinda ironic.
I wish I could just erase him)

My lovely bf Ben,  got me a book that I have been looking for for YEARS.
Prob the best I have ever gotten..for real.
And Ben Phillips totally made me a necklace.
So that ruled.

Okok I guess I am just sometimes a DebbieDowner.
My bday was totally awesome.
Kinda.

So tonight was.....odd.
Ben told me he had a hard time here and for some reason I figured that just wasnt real.
But after almost fighting some stranger tonight...I got it.
Disrespect is something I will never tolerate.
Especially when the girl has two mismatched earrings & a side ponytail.
(Uhhh Janet wore that shit out in the 80s.)

Fuck this place.
I like the shopping but these kids dumb.
Just trash with mad egos...and seriously everyone is addicted to heroine.
For real, like needles everywhere.
Weird.

Its just a different scene out here.

O, and everyone makes mad jewelry.
(kinda like a bunch of broke Nicole Richies)
For real, blunt bangs..leather jackets..leggings.

Tourist shit & spa day planned for tomorrow.

For real still in shock by the stupidity of this place.

Im planning my way out.
Budgets.
Agendas.
School.
Maybe that magenta dodge shadow haha.
--UPDATE!--
The shadow was sold.

Dang.a.lang:(

I love not working for a few days.
It lets me be human...live in the moment.
Collect myself.

So currently I am sitting in my captains chair, listening to the rain.
You may think its weird or lame, but its not.

I think the trick is to master sitting in silence and embracing/truly listening to the sounds around you.
....Its rather relaxing.

I did nothing today.
Ok thats a lie.
I did a bunch of girly things.

Like:
-mani/pedi
-face maskes
-bubble baths

Oh, and I slept the entire day.
Haha yea.

Tomorrow Im seriously finishing these damn paintings and writing a few letters.
Whatever you fags, SNAIL MAIL IS BACK!!!

And Im prob going to clean.

Ive also started this new project for some wall art (deco for le apartmento).
The basis is me collecting pics from random albums, myspacesezzz, and internet things (my own personal and/or friends).
Pictures that warm my cold heart.

Heres a Ive collected-


The plan is to make all of these pics a framed collage.
Obv not a lame photobucket slide show.
And again, those are only a few.
But you get the idea.

Anyway,
I can hear Ben tossing and turning, I think thats my cue to go to bed before he catches me being so awesome and on the internet at 3am

If you could know where you would be in 10yrs..
Who you'd marry..
How many babies you'd have..
What your job would be..
How certain relationships unfolded..
What 'love' would transpire..
If it would be good enough..
How it all was..


would you??

who cares. its impossible. 
Or is it?

get into it.


April 19th I will be 25.

Yikes.

I miss my mom.

So can we talk about the fact that Im an idiot and TODAY is actually St. Patricks Day haha.
Yeah.
Since Ive been out of school I think the only holiday I remember is Christmas & my birthday.
(HEY ASSSHOLE..its a holiday if I say it is;)
For real thou, thats prob it.
But back to the subject at hand...
drunks.

Pssh.
Nothing infuriates me more.

Its a mix between the lack of self respect they always show, the lack of manners that follow, and the fact that society thinks its a reasonable excuse for the lack of those said things.

Plus, I dont get how getting so drunk you makeout/sleep with and/or showing your pussy/boobs to randoms is a fun time.
(unless ur Denise:))

HaAnyways....

The toe clip on my pedal broke today.
(for those who dont speak bike talk.....thats the thing that keeps my toe on the pedal & makes me ride quicker)

I have this goal to ride faster/pass every person I see on my way home or to work.
Yeah so it totally happened on the way to work and I couldnt fix it  (b/c well, frankly the bolts fell out and I didnt know what to do haha...) so I had to ride home like that.
And the odds of that causing me to eat it were HIGH....
but some awesome, cuddly, hipster totally told me to pull over on the ride home and he fixed it:)

So anyone that thinks bikes kids are dicks, psssh you just need a decent bike and they`ll help you out:)

Oh and my friend Chad from the LV store brought me iced coffee b/c it was 100degrees in my work today haha.
He is like, one of 2 dudes I know that resembles this ex bf of mine.
The other friend resembles him like...35% but Chad, prob 80%.
Im talking evil twin/doppelgänger.
Yea..totally creepy.
Sometimes I seriously cant even look at him, thats how much it freaks me out!

So all and all...not a bad day haha.

The other day, I took a stand.
B/c I cant change where I came from...but I can sure as fuck change my future.
I can change the roads that have already been paved for me.

I stand for certain things.
I stand behind certain ideas..ways of life.

And why should I compromise everything I hate?

I just think in this moment of clarity Im going to have to change my own way of life.
Well whatever, nows a good of time as any, right?

=inothernewz=

I joined that bullshit twitter.

( twitter.com/forthebirdzz )

And I ordered new rock & republic jeans.
(they should be good for riding this summer..and not tough denim so I wont rip the knee doing yoga haha)

My hair is red.
.....until I make an appt.

Im done changing it.
I just make myself ugly...gah.

Gay.

I bought an ice cream cake today.
For no reason.
I seriously just love the sweetness:)

I am ready for this warm weather thou.
And I decided today I am going to start saving for a house.

Independent woman for life.
Or dumbest woman alive.

Oh yea,
and today is/was St. Patricks Day.
I wish these people saw what I see.
Maybe theyd be disgusted too.

Quickest/best update ever.